Quarrel

Dorma Guice
Dec 15, 2020
5 min read

Definition: an angry argument or disagreement, typically between people who are usually on good terms*

Approximate Number of Occurrences in Scripture (44)

Read: the entire first chapter of 1 Samuel, chapter 2:11-21, and chapter 3 for full context of this account

1 Samuel 1:6-7 (NIV) 6 And because the LORD had closed her womb, her rival kept provoking her in order to irritate her. 7 This went on year after year. Whenever Hannah went up to the house of the LORD, her rival provoked her till she wept and would not eat.

That Was Then

The first Book of Samuel opens with the fervent cry of Hannah, a barren woman. While Israel was asking GOD for a king, Hannah was asking for a son. In short order, we will see how GOD answered her prayer by building a throne, which in turn satisfied Israel’s request.

Hannah was the wife of Elkanah, an Ephriamite man who loved her dearly and was careful to show her added favor because she was barren. Every year, he went up to his town to offer sacrifices to the LORD, and gave Hannah a double portion of the meat sacrificed as an expression of his love. If the story ended here, they would be a match made in heaven.

However, Elkanah had another wife named Peninnah, who bore him a literal throng of children. Both wives would accompany him for the annual sacrifice festivities and Peninnah, whom scripture assigned the moniker of Hannah’s “rival” or “adversary” (depending on your preferred Bible translation), would provoke her with a shameless exhibition of her children. As this quarreling and one-upmanship went on year after year, Peninnah would antagonize and irritate Hannah until she wept and would not eat. As one could imagine, Peninnah made Hannah’s life a living hell. As if it wasn’t enough to bear the reproach and shame of barrenness, Hannah had to share her husband with another woman who lived in jealous determination to make her feel utterly worthless. Hannah felt the frustration any persistent quarrelling would inflict and she was beyond miserable. Scripture described her emotional condition as one “in bitterness of soul”.

Refusing to endure this wickedness another day, Hannah got up and took all of her misery to the LORD in a prayer so fervent that Eli the priest thought she was intoxicated (see 1Samuel 1:9-18). When she explained that she made a vow to GOD that if He gave her a son she would dedicate him to service to the LORD for as long as he lived, Eli assured her that GOD would answer her prayer. That very night she conceived and in due course gave birth to Samuel. Hannah kept her vow and gave Samuel to the LORD where he ministered as a priest under Eli and later became Judge of Israel until he anointed Saul as their first king. Hannah subsequently gave birth to three more sons and two daughters. Peninnah, having no more reason to quarrel with her rival, and no other contributions worth noting in scripture, quickly faded on the pages of history.

This is Now

Birds do it... Bees do it… Everybody who has a friend with a pulse, a fingerprint and an opinion does it – disagree from time to time. Parents and children, spouses, ex-spouses, siblings, coworkers, clergy, and ministerial colleagues often have disagreements as this is natural and mostly healthy. In a disagreement, respect for the other party and their opinion are still very much at the forefront, enabling them to be quickly resolved or reach an agreement to respectfully disagree. The thing to safeguard against is allowing a difference of opinion to give way to quarreling. In a disagreement, both parties are zealously defending their points and vying to be heard and understood; yet there is no ill intent. When a quarrel is in full effect, at least one party has taken on an offensive stance. The dialogue turns up a few notches and stinging words are chosen to get their opponent’s attention. Having drifted from their original intent (to be heard and understood) they are emotionally consumed by a new objective – to win (by any means necessary). Before it’s over, both parties are so worked up and injured they no longer remember what started the quarrel in the first place.

As I type this account, my thoughts are with my dear friend who is in Florida reconciling with her mother whom she was estranged from for over twenty years because of a quarrel that took on a life of its own. What seemed so important during the heat of the moment dwarfed in comparison to the hurt feelings, shattered trust, broken hearts, bitterness, loneliness, and missed decades. They both even struggled with life threatening illnesses without the support of the other. Praise GOD His grace not only healed them physically, but He opened the way for them to finally speak and bury the hatchet earlier this year. Today, her mother not only witnessed my friend as a mature adult, but met her grandchildren and great grandchildren for the first time. This is an extreme account, but not an unusual one. Oftentimes, it takes an alarming occurrence like the death of a loved one to bring people and families back together from a senseless quarrel gone rogue.

The best way to maintain peaceful and harmonious relationships is to prevent quarrels before they start. In order to do this we must recognize when a disagreement is escalating to an unhealthy level. Being aware of our emotional state, tone of voice, and thought patterns helps us to control our words and the affect we can have on our counterpart. Seeing them as someone worthy of love and respect (no matter what) goes a long way toward maintaining peace. If you find they are too upset, shut it down. No one wins unless both parties walk away with their dignity intact. (see Romans 12:18)

Who Said That?!!!

“A quarrel is quickly settled when deserted by one party; there is no battle unless there be two.” - Lucius Annaeus Seneca**

What Do You Say?

AFFIRMATION: "I am emotionally intelligent and express my feelings calmly, seeking first to understand - then to be understood."

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